Disappointment

As I write this I don't' actually think I could feel worse. Last night I was full of energy from an amazing weekend with a group of amazing young Christians. Over this past weekend I have made a huge decision that has made me feel so calm about the future. I have talked to a number of people this weekend who are strong powerful and experienced Christians who have listened to me and been available for me to talk my worries out with. Through these discussions I have had a clearness of mind and a clarity of vision brought to me.

All of this sounds good, so why am I feeling so bad? The reason is that there is one step I need to take, one thing I need to do that will confirm I am ready to accept what it is I am supposed to do. It sounds very easy, all I need to do is tell one person the plan. The problem is that it is one particular person I need to tell, my Dad. The very thought terrifies me, it had me physically trembling last night just at the thought of it. Everyone who knows me will tell you that I am very rarely quiet, unless I am eating, yet last night I could barely string two words together. I arrived home last night so full of energy, so full of fire and determination to do what I needed to. Yet when it came down to it I sat shaking unable to say a word.

I tried looking in the Bible for verses to bolster my courage hoping that it would inspire me to go do what I need to do. While the verses I found did not instantly swell my chest and send me marching to do my set task they have helped build me up a little and I'm hoping they will resonate within me growing my courage until I can stand in front of the world (and my Dad) and announce the plans I intend to follow. The verses were;

Deuteronomy 31:6
    "Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you."

Joshua 1:9
    Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take."

Daniel 10:19
    He said, 'Don't be afraid, friend. Peace. Everything is going to be all right. Take courage. Be strong.'
    "Even as he spoke, courage surged up within me. I said, 'Go ahead, let my master speak. You've given me courage

The step I need to take will begin a new life for me, it will take me down a route I have for years tried to avoid. I know that it is what I will do, of that I have no doubt, but when seems to be the issue. I know that this step will put me further into the Fathers hands and that the enemy will not like that, and that the enemy will do everything he can to prevent this from happening. I need the Lords help, and if you are willing, your prayerful support. It is fear that is holding me back, not fear of the future or fear of the plan. But fear of disappointing my Dad, the man who has supported me for my whole life both financially and emotionally. Everyone I have spoken to has told me that my Dad will be happy and supportive of the plan, yet fear still grips me.

At the end of this blog I feel so much better than I did when I began writing. Seeing it all on my screen written down in front of me brings me comfort as I know that at least some of the people reading this will have been through similar trials and know how I feel. I know that there are prayers being said for me about this issue and that fills me with a sense of loving support. I know this will be resolved in the right way, and soon, but getting there has been and is a trial like non I have been through before. I am going to leave you with one of my favourite verses written by Paul, it's humble simplicity is something we should all aim for.

Ephesians 6:19
    And don't forget to pray for me. Pray that I'll know what to say and have the courage to say it at the right time

Please pray for me, that I may have the courage to do what the Lord asks of me, that I may be everything He wants me to be. I pray that I find the strength and courage soon to follow God wherever He leads, whenever He calls.

Go for a prayer walk in a forest

This week I had my first challenge for The Soldiers Challenge which was go for a prayer walk in a forest. As I live pretty much in the countryside you would think that this would be an easy task for me to complete. This however turned out not to be the case. With starting work recently I have still yet to find a balance between everything I want to do and the amount of time with which I have to do it. Also with travelling around the country this week there was no way to do the prayer walk before Thursday. But then Thursday is when the family all gathers together for dinner together. So that left either Friday or Saturday to complete the task. I decided that Saturday would be better to do the prayer walk because I would be able to be better mentally prepared for it. As things happened I ended up at work yesterday and by the time I got home I was absolutely shattered. However I was determined to not fail at the first hurdle and so I dragged myself down to the woods and set off for a walk.

When I set off I had so many thoughts running through my mind and really struggled to quieten my mind. To be fair most of these thoughts are concerning my future and God's plans for me and so while out walking I tried to make sense of them and organise them into some sort of logical order. I can't say it was the most helpful prayer session I have ever had but a few things did seem to me to become clear. The first is that I need to talk about these plans with my family in a much more open way. The second is that I need to seek advice from people who have been through the same process as I am going through in order to find out the best way for me to proceed. Finally it brought home to me the fact that more than anything I need to focus on learning more about the Church I belong too and continue to study the Bible in a regular structured way.

As I finished my walk and approached my car to drive home a simple chorus that I shared yesterday flooded my mind.

Teach me how to talk to thee,
Teach me how to pray,
Teach me how to serve you,
Better every day.

I think the reason that these lyrics came to my mind and have stuck with me since is that I really need to continue to learn how to listen to God. Although I know God is talking to me and that I can occasionally see veiled messages from Him I really need to learn to listen to Him more closely. With this revelation it really was no surprise when I pulled out the next challenge for this coming week, pray for 3 full hours. This one is going to be a real struggle for me, keeping my concentration and keeping myself from being disturbed is going to be hard enough as it is. Actually finding 3 consecutive hours in which to do this may be even harder. Nevertheless I will try my best and I intend to succeed. Please pray for me this week as I attempt this task as it will be a real struggle for me to complete.

Teach me

Teach me how to talk to thee,
Teach me how to pray,
Teach me how to serve you,
Better every day.

I don't want to say too much about these chorus lyrics too much now as I will explain why they are in my mind tomorrow however I just wanted to share them tonight while they are fresh.

This simple chorus is an amazingly powerful prayer that I should really be using everyday. I have a lot to learn and God wants to teach me. All I have to do is be receptive to what he has to say and put it into action day by day.

Check out the blog tomorrow to find out how I do in the first weeks challenge.

Life's little dips

I hate to say it again, but I am feeling so drained at the moment. It is as if everything is a chore and is difficult to do. I have done a whole days worth of unpaid overtime this week and have a very busy weekend ahead of me. However the good news is that by increasing the demands on my time slightly this weekend I have managed to secure a day off next week. I am hoping that despite the business of this weekend I will actually come out of it feeling more relaxed and refreshed than I went in to it. This is not as crazy as it sounds as after work today I will be attending the first event in a Christian youth weekend in the area I currently live in. This will give me a chance to meet up with old friends who I do not get to see often and a chance to relax amongst other Christians my own age.

In addition to this by the time you read this I should hopefully have completed the first weeks challenge in The Soldier's Challenge. I am hoping that a peaceful walk in the forest near my home will give me time to reflect on current events and spend some quality time praying. It says something about the hectic nature of my life right now that the majority of my praying this week has been done while driving to work. While it is an economical use of my time it does not allow me to focus fully on God, which may be why I am feeling the way I am right now. There is a Bible verse I have been thinking of while planning the walk I intend on going on today and I believe I have used it before but it is worth repeating.

Luke 5:16
    As often as possible Jesus withdrew to out-of-the-way places for prayer.

If it was good enough for Jesus to do then there is no excuse for us not to do the same. We all need time with God just to be with Him, talk to Him and listen to Him. It is not enough to just shoehorn Him in to our lives, we must mould our lives around Him not the other way around. Yes we should take God with us in all that we do, but finding time to be alone with Him is vital for a Christian.

Job - How would you handle it (Part 7)

This post is part 7 of a series of 9, feel free to read the rest by following the links.1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 and 9.

God begins his chat with Job by kind of declaring His greatness. He does this by challenging Job about his knowledge of things only God knows and about doing things only God can do. At the end of His list of questions He says to Job, ok mate, you asked me some tough questions, answer mine and I will answer yours. Fair deal you might say. Job sees this for what it is, God is making a point, if we can not see all things then we can not know what will come from certain events. We may not like things at the time but we can not see the future positives God can work from these disadvantages. Job rightly defers to God and realises he does not know what God has in store.

Still God is not finished though, He lists His greatness and power to Job asking if he dares challenge Almighty God. God who can do anything to anything rounds off on Job by asking Him if he is brave enough to face up to God with his accusations. At this point Job knows the score, he has realised his mistake and knows he needs to put it right. He tells God that he knows what he has done wrong, he knows he has no idea of what he was talking about. Job says that after seeing with his own eyes and hearing with his own ears the glory and wonder of God he is dying of embarrassment and that he will never do it again.

Now when thinking of doing this series of posts there was one major point I just couldn't understand. Why on Earth would God allow His main man to be torn asunder and destroyed by the enemy. Why did God not protect Job and throw the devil off his game. This point troubled me for sometime and is in part the reason why this series got slightly derailed. I have however been thinking about it a lot and I think I have reached a conclusion on this. The fact that God allowed this to happen is not the point to be focusing on at all, what we need to think about is that no matter what we have or do not have we should be thankful to God for it. God does not owe us anything, we have no reason to expect anything from God. Yet time and time again He gives to us, He even gave us eternal life through Christ. The point is that even when everything is against us and it seems as if God is doing nothing we should still be thankful. We came from nothing with nothing and so anything we do have is a cause for rejoicing. Even if we lose everything we have in reality we have lost nothing since we had nothing to begin with.

The thing is though that when we are in situations like Job's we tend to only look on the short term. If we do look long term it tends to be backwards to the past. What we need to realise is that God works on time scales of His own. In His time he will bring His plans to fruition. All we need to do is keep our focus on God through all things. Many times the enemy will attack us in our lives, we have to stand firm and trust in Gods defences and plans. Wherever He places us is where He wants us to be and there we must do His work.

Next time I intend to look at God's response to the Job comforters.