I'm back

Ok guys, first off an apology for my unannounced absence and my complete lack of contact on here for a little while. I could give a list of reasons and make many excuses about my absence but all I really need to say is life got the better of me and I really didn't feel like blogging.

I want to take this opportunity to announce that my life is going to go through some major changes in the next few weeks and as such I have decided that from now on I will only be posting once a day. I know that it has been tough at times to keep up such a schedule and I know that it is going to get harder in the future. As I would rather produce good posts rather than sloppily produced ones I have decided that one post a day will be much more manageable.

So now that house keeping is out of the way I guess I should fill you in on some of what has happened since I last blogged. In that time I have been for an interview for a new job which went very well, I have been invited back for a second interview and a day to experience the outreach work I would be doing. Also I have applied for several other jobs which would also put me in the place and position I feel would be most beneficial for me and help me to follow Gods plans in my life right now. I am praying hard that this will all come to fruition soon and that I will receive good news on the 4th when I go for the second interview.

In addition to this I have had some problems in my relationship with God. My Bible study has not been great of late and has suffered more due to my lack of blogging and not picking up my Bible to check details and read passages that come to mind. While my prayer life has not dwindled it has not until the last few day felt very productive, it has at times felt as though I am just going through the motions and talking to thin air.

However yesterday I attended my first cell group in a month and for the first time in a month really felt that I was in the presence of God. After cell group I took the advice of a friend of mine and took a drive into the middle of nowhere and had a chat with God. I pulled over on the verge and turned off the engine and lights and spent about 10 minutes just sitting there. Eventually I felt that I was able to articulate the thoughts and feelings in my head into words to say to God. My friend told me that if I was angry with God I should tell Him, and to be honest I was ready to lose my temper and tell Him exactly what I thought about things.

However when I had everything straight in my head about the way I have felt and the things I have been thinking about I felt absolutely no anger at all. I found that what I really wanted to say was that I have felt lost of late, that I feel that I know where He wants me in the long run but the method of getting there is unclear to me right now. I have a few things that I want too, I want to move back to the city I love, I want to be near my friends and I want someone to share my life with. The last one is something I am really struggling with at the moment, I am at a point in my life where I really want to move on with my life and having someone to share that with would I think be amazing. But I don't want just anyone like I have tried in the past, I want someone who will make me more than what I am now in a way that is pleasing to God and will make me more productive than I am on my own.

When I got everything I wanted out of my system I realised that the thing that I wanted more than anything else was for God to do what He will with my life. I want to live my life in the way the God wants me to, to do the things He has asked of me. I want to want what God wants for me, I want to be and do everything that God wants of me and I know I can't do that without His help.

I have to be honest and say that I am struggling of late, I am not doing everything that I should and I know that I am being more worldly than I should. I know that I should not be too hard on my self and I know that one of my favourite sayings is that no one ever said being a Christian would be easy but to let things slide and not be worried or want to do something about it should be more worrying than the situation I am in at the moment. Knowing that there is a problem is the best place to start from in trying to fix that problem.

I came across a Bible quote that I think sums up perfectly the way things are in my life right now and the way that I am thinking.

Philippians 2:12(NIV paraphrased)
     work out your salvation with fear and trembling

I know that God has a plan for me, I trust that plan and want it to be all of my life more than anything else. I have a couple of selfish requests but I have committed myself to God and if what I want is not what He wants then I want to not want it. I know that sounds like gibberish but it is the way I feel and it is the best way I know to express it. This is what I want more than anything else and I know that it won't be easy and that I will never reach the goal, that I will likely not ever get close but my desire is to be a true follower of Christ and to server the Lord my God, your God, our God.

Blue Monday

Now depending on who you ask either today or next Monday is classed as blue Monday, or the most depressing day of the year. The reasoning behind this is that due to the reduced amount of sunlight, the cold weather, the huge amount of time until the summer and next Christmas and the debt incurred and the weight gained over the past Christmas all compound. With all these negatives compounding it is somewhat understandable that people can feel down and depressed, add into it being the first day of the work week and it is hard to picture a more generally depressive day.

However there are two ways of thinking about it, yes there are a lot of things to be depressed about and there are a lot of things that you would struggle to get excited about. But the way I see it is that there is so much more to be cheerful and excited about. If this is the lowest point in the year then surely things can only get better from here on out. If this is the most generally blue day then every other day in the year in general is likely to be better.

James 1:2-4
     Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

The Bible tells us that although we are going to get tough times we are going to have periods that we feel as though everything is being thrown at us at once. James tells us that it is in these times that our faith shows through and through these struggles that we learn, develop and mature.

Isaiah 48:10
     Do you see what I've done?
          I've refined you, but not without fire.
          I've tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction.

God has not promised us that we will always have an easy ride, He has not told us that He will prevent the world from throwing us around on the rough waves of life. He has however promised that He will use this suffering and the affliction we suffer for our good, He has promised to bring us through it all and that we will be stronger on the other side. We have to trust that God is always by our side through all things, protecting and teaching us as we traverse the stormy seas of life. 

The long dark tea-time of the soul

A few people who know me in the real world will know that I am a huge fan of Douglas Adams and his work. The title of this post is the name of one of his books that I enjoyed a lot and would recommend everyone reads. However it is not about Douglas Adams or this book that I want to talk about, the reason I mention it is because the phrase sums up how I have been feeling lately.

I have talked in recent days about how I have been struggling to keep on top of my Bible study and prayer life and how this has affected my mood. And when I came to write this the title sprang to mind as a good description of the way I have been feeling.

Since discussing the plans that I feel are in my future with my family things have not been as easy as I would have hoped. Relationships with various members of my family have deteriorated and I feel a little like a fire fighter trying to put out a forest fire with a tiny water pistol. I know God will help me but over the last week or so I have seen a number of potential barriers looking like they are about to come down and make things very difficult for me to overcome. I know that I should not be doing this on my own and it is not my plan I am following, I just need to have faith and do what I know I should be doing.

In other news I will be running an advent challenge for myself in the run up to Christmas which I will be posting tomorrow. I will post all the details of the rules and tasks tomorrow, anyone who wants to follow or take part in it themselves feel free to do so and let me know how you are getting along with it if you do.

Loneliness

Last night I was sitting doing some thinking about the future. The result of this was that I managed to get myself slightly depressed. This is mainly because I am feeling quite lonely at the moment. I live a long way from my friends at the moment, I have few people to talk to here where I live and no one at the moment who I feel I can call on whenever I need someone. The other thing is that I am very aware that the path my life is taking means that this is not going to change for the better any time soon. In fact it is most probably going to get worse.

I know this sounds a lot like self pity, and in a certain sense it probably is. I also know that the times I feel like this are moments when I am about to make significant steps in the direction God wants me to go. I am aware that the enemy is going to do everything he can to put me off following God, trying to put me off folloing the plan for my life. The thing is, although I know these feelings are the result of an attack I also know there is an element of truth in them which makes them that bit more powerful. I am not naturally someone who enjoys being isolated and alone. I do like to have my space from time to time but I love being surrounded by friends and loved ones.

I know that whatever my lot in life I should be happy in it, I have a lot more than most people. Although I have been through some rough patches I have sailed through life relatively unscathed. I know that I will receive everything in life that I need at the time that I need it and that I need to wait with patience. But patience is something that I'm struggling with at the moment. I want to run headlong into these plans and want everything now. I have been told by a few people now that I should take some time to reflect on things and proceed prayerfully, and I know they are right. But just because I know that that is the way I should be does not change the fact that I am an impatient person.

I know that life will turn out for the best if I just hand it over to Him. I know that no matter what my thought and feelings about the plan are it is infinitely better than any plan that I could come up with. Patience is a virtue, or so I am told, and it is something that I need to work hard on to develop. I know these feelings will go away in the next few days, but it does not mean that because I know this they will be easier to deal with. I know God will help me battle these daemons and together we will overcome, until then I just need to pray for strength.

My weekend

I have some good news to share today. If you have been following this blog you will know that something I have been struggling with recently is talking to my Dad. Not just in general, usually I have a very good, if somewhat strained at times, relationship with my Dad. As we both have very similar personalities we can clash spectacularly at times. But there has been one thing in particular that I have been struggling to tell him. Well this weekend I finally did it.

This weekend was a significant one for me. It represents the first major Christian event I have attended as a Christian. I wasn't sure what to expect but was very excited and looking forward to it a lot. Not only was this going to be a great opportunity to meet up with and spend time with many of my Christian friends, but it was going to be an experience like no other so far in my Christian life. Despite some points at the event I came away with a very good experience and had the chance to talk to my Dad about my life in the future.

The other major event for me this weekend occurred during the morning worship session. During this session the front of the conference hall was opened up as the mercy seat and many people flocked to use it. Normally I do not like this sort of thing as I feel that in many cases it is used for the wrong reasons or for a public display. I have had in the past many problems with the mercy seat and still feel very uncomfortable using it myself. However Sunday morning I felt as though I had to go. I tried to resist it but the feeling kept growing inside of me. It increased to the point where I felt that my heart was about to explode out through my chest. And so after much internal struggle and in full knowledge that my parents, family, church members and friends would all see me do this despite my thoughts on it I took the long walk from the back of the conference hall to the very front. All the way down I had my eyes fixed on one point, on one person, the area leader of my Church. I have spoken to him and prayed with him about my future and felt that his prayers and guidance would help me right then.

I have no idea how long I knelt, talked and prayed at the front with him but as soon as I was down there on my knees I knew that I had made the right decision. While there we talked about my plans, my aims and my ambitions. We talked about God's plans for my life and how they affect me and my plans. What I am going to do and where I am going to go. We talked about how I have found it so difficult to talk to my Dad about these matters and how that affected it all. We then prayed about all of this and that I would find a way to talk to my Dad. And after this I made a commitment, that I would give my life, such as it is, over to God, that I would let Him use it as He sees fit.

And so lunch time came around. There was a few options I had, but I grabbed my parents and asked if we could go somewhere to eat on our own thus setting the scene to talk to my Dad. So we found somewhere quiet to eat, we talked about the service and then life in general. I was finding it really difficult to broach the subject about my future, but towards the end of the meal I finally plucked up the courage. And so I told my Dad that I was thinking about changing my life plans in order to align them with God's plan for my life. The reaction I got was not great, although it was better than I was expecting. I always knew that he would not accept it at first but I am hoping and praying that he will eventually come round to the idea.

Anyway, after I told him I left him with my Mum to talk and went off on my own. I was feeling both elated and slightly depressed at the same time, paradoxical I know. But the feeling of relief and happiness that I had finally told my Dad about things, but also the sadness that he had reacted as badly as he had. Now I know that I am set on this path I can begin to follow things through officially and start following God's plans and not just talking about it.

I will post more on this subject soon, I would say more but do not want this post to become excessively long. Hope you all had a great weekend, and hope you have a fantastic week.

What does Jesus mean to you?

This is an incredibly personal question and it is going to be different for pretty much everyone. I am not sure how well it will work but I have had an idea for something to try with this post. The Church I am a member of has a tradition of testimonies, where members of the congregation will stand up and talk about how Christ has and is working in their lives. I would love it if people would do something similar with this post. My idea is that anyone who wants to can write a post using the same title and in the same vein as this post and then link them back to each other. I think this would be a great exercise to see how Jesus is working around the world in many different lives and lifestyles.

Well to start off let me tell you a bit about myself. I am 24 years old and I am currently living in the north of England with my parents. It hasn't always been so great though.

My childhood was great, I had everything I could ever ask for, I had loving parents and was brought up in a warm and welcoming Christian Church. School bored me but somehow I always managed to come away with the highest results and once I finished it was off to University for me.

For me this is really where I consider that my life began, for the first time in my life I was living away from home doing what I wanted. I had decided to study Physics at Uni for two reasons, the first was that I was very good at it, the second is that it annoyed a lot of people back home. I say I had a happy childhood and that the Church I grew up in was warm and welcoming, but I never felt any attachment to it other than family ties. Because I had no relationship with God at this point in my life I felt no desire or reason to stay in the Church. Subsequently I stopped attending and fell into some bad habits.

My first day at Uni so easily could have been the beginning of an epic love story, within 5 minutes of arriving at my induction I had met a beautiful girl and fallen head over heels in love. After a short chat and an impromptu pub date we arranged to go on our first real date. Everything went really well, date followed date, we spent all our time together and within weeks we had realised we were falling for each other quite hard. In meeting this girl I also had some great excuses to avoid going home and attending Church. We spent as much time as we could together and if that meant not seeing my family or going to Church then it was a price I was willing to pay.

Over the next 2 years things just kept getting better, we had done the meet the parents thing, moved in together and were in our minds very happy. And so we began planning for the future, if we were going to be together I would have to meet her whole family and that meant travelling abroad. So we packed our things and flew half way around the world to meet her whole family. Again things went well, I was accepted into the family and had an amazing time relaxing and being a tourist. And just before I left to go home again, we got engaged.

We knew our families would not be happy about this as we were still at uni and had a lot of work to do in order to graduate. So we decided to wait to tell people until we were finished Uni, we were together, we were happy, waiting was no problem at all.

My partner had been ill for most of the time we were together and I did a lot to look after her and unfortunately on our return to the UK she became worse. This period of time tried my patience, tested my love and drove me to breaking point a number of times. But each time we would get through it and become stronger for it.

That was until she gradually started to feel better. With her illness my partner had dropped out of Uni and wanted to study something different, something where she could make a difference to people. So off she went back to uni and she seemed very happy. Also at about the same time we were both laid off by the company that had employed us and we took on new jobs working for a brewery. With everything that had changed we had very little time with each other but we knew it would only be for one more year.

The stress however began to tell and with her recovering health my partner was evolving into a new person. And although we could both see it neither of us wanted to admit we were growing apart. After over 4 years my partner decided enough was enough, she had met someone else and wanted to move on.

This was possibly the hardest moment of my life so far for me, I had lost everything. I had no relationship with my family, no house to live in, no partner and I had no friends in the city in which I lived. This was possibly the lowest I have ever felt. The one thing left in my life was the job working for the brewery, and that only made my troubles worse.

So tail between my legs I went home, and moved back in with my parents. I still wanted nothing to do with the Church and spent as little time with my family as I could. I spent all my time working and mourning what I had lost. My family knew there was a problem and quickly worked out that I needed help. However I refused any and all help, I just didn't care anymore.

The one positive that came out of that summer is that my Mum dragged me to Church every Sunday. I ignored everything there though and just played on my DS or phone. However slowly I began to pay attention, at first to the music, then the words and eventually the sermons themselves.

So that summer came and went and it was time for me to return to finish my last year at Uni. I found myself a small flat to live in and went back with the aim of rebuilding my life. If only it was so easy to do that. Time and again one after the other I was dealt body blows that would be difficult to get over. I lost my job, lost all but 1 of my friends and had the spectre of my ex hanging round constantly.

However the first weekend I moved back to Uni I found myself sat in a Church. I had no intention of going at all, I just wanted a walk to clear my head, yet there I was. I instantly felt at home, accepted and welcome. It sounds sad but it was one of the best feelings of my life. Over time this Church became like my family, I have a lot of friends there and it is still one of the places where I feel my happiest and most comfortable. Since I began attending there my life has picked up. In fact it is better now than it has ever been, I am truly happy, from the inside out.

So much has happened since then and most of it is documented here in this blog or will likely be in the future. And if I talk about it all this blog post would become an even bigger monster than it is.

But why is all this relevant to the question I asked?

The answer is simply that Jesus saved me.

And its not just in the spiritual sense of the born again Christian. Jesus took me from the darkest place and held me. He showed me love, peace and happiness. He showed me there was a life worth living. I don't think many people know quite how far I fell or how hard it has been to get back on top and start living again. But Jesus does, and it was by His strength that I made it back. In this brief overview I have missed a great deal out that has little bearing on the main point of the story. I fell and Jesus lifted me higher. Many times during my time at Uni I was involved in sinful activities and evil ways. But Jesus saved me from that sin too.

Jesus gave me my life back and gave me a reason to live. A reason to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. And because of this I want Him to have the whole of my life. It is not mine and has never been, even if I thought otherwise. He has just entrusted me with it for a time. He wants me for a task and now I want to go do it. All because Jesus is everything to me. I am not perfect and don't always do what is right, but I sure do try to and I want to follow His plans for me.

I hope this has not been too long or depressing for people, but I hope you take it for what it is. If you want to join in my experiment do not feel you have to write a huge post. Just write what Jesus means to you, if you want to include why then that is great too.. I hope people do join in with this, if you do please send me the link as a comment or on jerrathorn@gmail.com so that I can post it below. All I ask in return is that you link to this post in your response, thanks.

Check out the people who have already posted on this title.

Disappointment

As I write this I don't' actually think I could feel worse. Last night I was full of energy from an amazing weekend with a group of amazing young Christians. Over this past weekend I have made a huge decision that has made me feel so calm about the future. I have talked to a number of people this weekend who are strong powerful and experienced Christians who have listened to me and been available for me to talk my worries out with. Through these discussions I have had a clearness of mind and a clarity of vision brought to me.

All of this sounds good, so why am I feeling so bad? The reason is that there is one step I need to take, one thing I need to do that will confirm I am ready to accept what it is I am supposed to do. It sounds very easy, all I need to do is tell one person the plan. The problem is that it is one particular person I need to tell, my Dad. The very thought terrifies me, it had me physically trembling last night just at the thought of it. Everyone who knows me will tell you that I am very rarely quiet, unless I am eating, yet last night I could barely string two words together. I arrived home last night so full of energy, so full of fire and determination to do what I needed to. Yet when it came down to it I sat shaking unable to say a word.

I tried looking in the Bible for verses to bolster my courage hoping that it would inspire me to go do what I need to do. While the verses I found did not instantly swell my chest and send me marching to do my set task they have helped build me up a little and I'm hoping they will resonate within me growing my courage until I can stand in front of the world (and my Dad) and announce the plans I intend to follow. The verses were;

Deuteronomy 31:6
    "Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you."

Joshua 1:9
    Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take."

Daniel 10:19
    He said, 'Don't be afraid, friend. Peace. Everything is going to be all right. Take courage. Be strong.'
    "Even as he spoke, courage surged up within me. I said, 'Go ahead, let my master speak. You've given me courage

The step I need to take will begin a new life for me, it will take me down a route I have for years tried to avoid. I know that it is what I will do, of that I have no doubt, but when seems to be the issue. I know that this step will put me further into the Fathers hands and that the enemy will not like that, and that the enemy will do everything he can to prevent this from happening. I need the Lords help, and if you are willing, your prayerful support. It is fear that is holding me back, not fear of the future or fear of the plan. But fear of disappointing my Dad, the man who has supported me for my whole life both financially and emotionally. Everyone I have spoken to has told me that my Dad will be happy and supportive of the plan, yet fear still grips me.

At the end of this blog I feel so much better than I did when I began writing. Seeing it all on my screen written down in front of me brings me comfort as I know that at least some of the people reading this will have been through similar trials and know how I feel. I know that there are prayers being said for me about this issue and that fills me with a sense of loving support. I know this will be resolved in the right way, and soon, but getting there has been and is a trial like non I have been through before. I am going to leave you with one of my favourite verses written by Paul, it's humble simplicity is something we should all aim for.

Ephesians 6:19
    And don't forget to pray for me. Pray that I'll know what to say and have the courage to say it at the right time

Please pray for me, that I may have the courage to do what the Lord asks of me, that I may be everything He wants me to be. I pray that I find the strength and courage soon to follow God wherever He leads, whenever He calls.

Time

There just never seems to be quite enough of it. And recently when there has been I have been too run down and tired to do anything useful with it. I can't even look forward to this weekend as there is a big event on where I live that I have to help at and so things will drag on for at least another week I think. Despite the crazy nature of my life at the moment though I have already told you guys about some of the pick me ups God has given me. Every time I feel right down there has been something to buoy me back up, from a prayerful perfect moment, a powerful Bible verse or even just having a laugh when I was expecting to be serious. It is amazing the ways God chooses to life us, when He can He uses people around us, but even when we are isolated He manages to get through. As someone who has a slight depressive streak at times It has been somewhat of a miracle that since I have allowed Jesus back into my life there has been no time I have felt that down. Every time I feel as though I am heading that way, every time it looks like I am about to sink below the surface something appears to lift me out again.

I am sorry for the hasty nature of this post, I am actually supposed to be preparing for a meeting I have in 20 minutes. However since one of the lifts I get is from blogging I do not intend to stop posting and try my hardest to stick to posting times. Hopefully things will settle a little more from the weekend and everything can go back to normal.

God loves you

God loves you and made you for the pleasure of knowing you.
God loves you.

In the heart of every man,
There's a need to question who we are and what we believe.
And the answers that we find are simple ones for us to say
But hard to receive
You say that God is love
You take Him at his word, but do you really understand

That, God loves you and made you for the pleasure of knowing you.
God loves you and made you for the pleasure of knowing you
And showing you, God loves you.

Well every person fails, and every man needs love to pick him up
Time after time
This world can use you up
And leave you with a world of care where hope used to shine
But God can give you strength, when all you've done is fall,
So say it till you understand, and tell me do you really understand?

God loves you and made you for the pleasure of knowing you.
Time shows us what we thought we knew
And time helps us to know the truth

God loves you, and made you for the pleasure of knowing you.
God loves you and made you for the pleasure of knowing you,
And showing you God loves
I believe that God loves you,
God loves you.

I happened to be driving in one of the most beautiful areas of the country today. While I was driving past a particularly beautiful area this song came on my ipod. It was one of those perfect moments you get in life, no matter what is going on elsewhere in the world and in your life, this one moment is perfect. It is a moment of pure peace with God, a moment when you know you are in His presence. I have not had a great week, and I have felt very run down and I am finding it difficult to do what I need to do day to day. I blogged on Footprints a little while ago and here is a perfect example of that. When I can't face taking one more step God swoops in and carries me until I can walk again. I am thankful for such an awesome God, I am thankful that Jesus gave His life for me so that I may life in the presence of God and the Holy Spirit.

If anyone can tell me who the writer of this song is I would love to know as I hate to post it without crediting the writer.

I do intend on finishing the Job series soon but things have really gotten on top of me this week. The load will lessen somewhat over the next few days and hopefully I will have time to complete this series soon. Watch this space for more news.

Job - How would you handle it (Part 4)

This is part 4 of 9 please feel free to read the rest by following the links, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 and 9.

So after all Job went through and did not say a thing something cracked, something gave. He had suffered so much and never once said anything against God, never once complained. Yet eventually something in him gave way and a flood of emotion came out. But then how would you have reacted if it had been you? Would you not have snapped a lot earlier, I know I probably would have. Job 3 is a man full of grief, in the depths of depression. The man has lost everything and the constant grind of his day to day suffering has broken though the damn all at once. My new job puts me in contact with a lot of people in a similar position to Job. Their lives destroyed and nothing left. The grief and depression they have to deal with comes off some of them in an almost physical wave. Seeing this has made this passage that bit more real for me, I can if not imagine how it would feel if it happened to me at least see the effects it could have had on his life. Now we know how Job was feeling after this, now he has spilled his guts for all the world to hear we can look at the cases put forward to him from his friends.

Crisis

Well as I am writing this I am user as to which post I am going to put up today, it is a choice of two. If you are reading this post then it is good news, I am continuing my blog. Last night I had a huge crisis over whether or not to continue blogging or not. There is a very good reason for this which I may share in the future but for now I will just say an event caused me to question the wisdom of my writing so openly on here. If this post is the one I decide to upload then I have decided that this outlet for me to pour out my thought and feelings is too valuable for me to give up on. I have used this blog at times to express some very personal issues that I can not share with anyone in person, a way to get thoughts out of my head to be discussed later with anyone with thoughts on the matter. I am not great with relationships at the best of times and struggle to express my feelings at time, yet I can say anything on here I want to.

Daniel 9:4
    I poured out my heart, baring my soul to God, my God:
    " 'O Master, great and august God. You never waver in your covenant commitment, never give up on those who love you and do what you say.

Not only am I baring my soul online to you guys reading this, but this is also part of my life with God, it is part of my prayer life and Bible study. If we want God to never give up on us then surely we can at least try to do the same for Him. Part of starting this blog was to increase the amount of Bible study I did, and it has worked. I have been reading the Bible in ways I would never have done before, I have learned things I would not have learned if not for this blog. I am thankful for this blog, its followers and anyone who reads it in passing. Without realising it you guys are helping me on a day by day basis grow in my faith and progress on my journey with our Father. Trials will be sent our way and the enemy will test us at every opportunity, how we react is a sign of our Christian life, when we are struggling it will be hard and we may act in unchristian ways. When we notice these signs that we are struggling we need to increase our contact time with God, ask for increased help and give Him increased access to out hearts, minds and lives.

I do enjoy writing this blog, which is why I post so regularly, and I hope some people enjoy reading it. I hope to continue writing for the long term future to share more with you guys and hopefully hear more from you too. It may be significant that this event occurred while I decided to look at the story of Job, a man who suffered greatly. But as I have said before, God never misses an opportunity to teach us a lesson. If you are reading this there is therefore more good news, or possibly bad if you dislike the longer blog posts, the second instalment of my Job series should be posted at 6 pm GMT. Once again thanks for reading, it is great to have you here, please feel free to comment or send me a mail at jerrathorn@gmail.com.

Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
                      (Carolyn Joyce Carty)

I know this is a very commonly known poem, it is used frequently amongst Christians. It is a fantastic image for life, whether we are Christian or not God walks beside us daily ready for any time we may need him. Even if we can't or won't see Him, He is there. Carrying us when we are unable to walk any further or ready to collapse beneath the weight of the world.

Psalm 23:4 (KJV)  

    Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 

This verse says almost exactly the same as the poem Footprints but from a different angle. If we know we have God then not even the worst things in life should worry us. Yet being human we will struggle to allow God to be there for us, we will struggle against Him as he carries us.

I want at this point to apologise for posting another dark and depressing post. I have much to be thankful and happy for right now, but I am feeling very isolated and cut off at the moment. Due to circumstances I am not able to attend the Church I wish to be at regularly and I am not able to spend time with the friends that I want to see very often. These two things have been fantastic anchors for me this past year, providing me with support as and when I have needed it. If it was not for this support I can honestly say I would not be here writing this post. I have no idea what route my life would have taken but it would not have been the positive path that it has been. 

It is our lot in life as humans to face dark periods, it is the nature of the enemy to try and drag us down when we feel our highest. But remember we have the best defence in the world, Prayer. It is our link to God, it is our weapon and it is our defence. As I mentioned in the post on Genesis 22 God has his plans, it has always been planned out. And it is the best plan there is, there could be non better. We may not understand it, we may not understand why we have to suffer or struggle as we do but be sure God will use it all to his advantage. 

Romans 8:28 (NLT)
     And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Whatever the reasons for things being the way they are, you can be guarantee that God will be working through it to produce something good. In my post on painting with dark colours I talk about how God can bring happiness, joy and goodness from bad situations. We just need to learn to fully rely on God in all things and for all things.

To finish I would like to backtrack into this post a little bit. Earlier I mentioned the fact that I am currently a long way from my friends and Church who have done so much for me over the last year. There are two friends who I feel I should thank especially. Despite the fact that I am not always the easiest person to deal with or be around, the fact that I am far from perfect, they seem to always have time to help, listen and talk when I need it. So for that reason I am saying a public thanks to them, I won't name them as they will know who they are and I know they don't do it for the thanks or to "play" the part. At the same time I would like to thank anyone who reads this, I use this as an outlet to pour out the rubbish in my mind yet it appears some people do read it and possibly even like it, although I am not sure on the second point. Please feel free to leave comments or message me on jerrathorn@gmail.com.

Bad day

Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load, I'm too young to feel this old. (Kings of Leon)

Have you ever had a day when you just really don't feel great. Have you ever had a day when the above lyrics seem to sum up how you feel about life?

Jesus don't want me for a sunbeam. 'Cause sunbeams are not made like me.
Don't expect me to cry for all the reasons you had to die. Don't ever ask your
love of me.

Don't expect me to cry.
Don't expect me to lie.
Don't expect me to die.
Don't expect me to cry.
Don't expect me to lie.
Don't expect me to die for thee.     (Nirvana)

How about these lyrics? 

I have no reason to feel like I have today but when I woke up this morning I felt as though I had a terrible load, I had no energy and absolutely no drive to get up. I have had depressive periods in the past and know that it is part of who I am. Yet as I said I don't really have any reason to feel the way I do. I have just been offered another amazing job opportunity, I have my financial situation almost sorted and life should be good. I wasn't sure if I was going to share these thoughts with you today since they are just a rambling of seemingly depressive nothings from someone who has no reason to feel like this. However I thought about it for a while and it was while listening to the two tracks quoted above I began to think about the real hardship Jesus faced. 

Luke 14:27
"Anyone who won't shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can't be my disciple." 

Jesus faced the toughest task that anyone has, taking on the sin of the world. He was the sacrifice that means I have everything I need. God has given me the greatest gift not only in the world, but the universe. 

Mark 14:32-36  

    They came to an area called Gethsemane. Jesus told his disciples, "Sit here while I pray." He took Peter, James, and John with him. He plunged into a sinkhole of dreadful agony. He told them, "I feel bad enough right now to die. Stay here and keep vigil with me." 

    Going a little ahead, he fell to the ground and prayed for a way out: "Papa, Father, you can-can't you?-get me out of this. Take this cup away from me. But please, not what I want-what do you want?" 

The burden Christ bore for us was a huge one, a terrible one. And yet because he did this for us we have been given direct access to God, we have been given all the help we need. Through prayer we can ask God to help us in our personal trials and dark times. 

I need to learn to trust God, trust his guidance, his plans and his love. I still do not know why today brought with it the feelings and issues it did for me. I do not know if this was a lesson I have been given to learn or if it was an attack from the enemy. Yet from the shadows God still managed to shine a light and give me a direction to head in. This week is going to be a big week for me, I have a huge decision to make and Friday will be the day that I finally know the direction I am going to follow. I know that the plan that is set out for me is the best one, it must be as it is the one God has set for me. Knowing if I am following that path has been the hardest thing for me recently, knowing if I am following His will and not my own has been very difficult.

Through prayer, Bible study, contemplation and discussions with very close friends I have made huge inroads and I am in a much better position than I have ever been in. My relationship with God is still young and I have a long long way to go yet, but I know that this is certainly the best my life has ever been and I should be happy about that. As I finish writing this post, having spent time in prayer and reading the Bible, I feel the shadow of today has lifted and an inner peace around me and know that I am loved by my God.