Recently things have been hard and I have been struggling with a couple of things. Then the other night something brought a few things home for me and showed me what the biggest part of the problem is. It will be impossible for me to move on and to start the next part of my life if I am still hanging on to the past.
Although I know that I am happier now than I have been in the past there are still aspects of my past that I pine for. I know that they can never return, that I don't really want them back and that in reality they were not good for me in the long run anyway. Yet there is a part of me that would give anything to be back there. Although I know that my relationship with my ex was destroying my soul and was detrimental to my mental health in a number of ways. Even though I was mentally assaulted and my self esteem was torn down on a regular basis there were many good times and it is those than I miss.
I was reminded while watching TV of the way I was made to feel during this relationship and why I am best out of it. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am yet there are still things that bring the old days flooding back. When this happens I can feel quite depressed about the things I have lost and how things are not how I planed them to be.
On top of this there is my dream of being a scientist, in the past this seemed to be the best option for me. However increasingly over the last few months I have realised that God wants me for other things. The problem is that my whole adult life has been geared towards the science world and breaking out of this mould is turning out to be incredibly difficult. Despite appearances I really don't like being negative and depressive, I'd much rather be talking about the great things that God is doing in my life but this blog is a fantastic way to unload the problems in my life. I prefer having fun and bringing laughter to those around me but doing this has been incredibly hard recently.
So I know that my past has to be lain to rest, not forgotten but not allowed to overshadow my future either. I know that my past had some great points, but that on the whole it was not a good period of my life. I have much to look forward to and much to offer in the future but I need to make a clean brake from my past. In the coming days and weeks I hope to make this brake by progressing on to a new direction in life. Until then I will spend time in prayer asking for help on making this big step in my life. Trusting in God to lead me the right way and help me in all that I do.
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