Disappointment

As I write this I don't' actually think I could feel worse. Last night I was full of energy from an amazing weekend with a group of amazing young Christians. Over this past weekend I have made a huge decision that has made me feel so calm about the future. I have talked to a number of people this weekend who are strong powerful and experienced Christians who have listened to me and been available for me to talk my worries out with. Through these discussions I have had a clearness of mind and a clarity of vision brought to me.

All of this sounds good, so why am I feeling so bad? The reason is that there is one step I need to take, one thing I need to do that will confirm I am ready to accept what it is I am supposed to do. It sounds very easy, all I need to do is tell one person the plan. The problem is that it is one particular person I need to tell, my Dad. The very thought terrifies me, it had me physically trembling last night just at the thought of it. Everyone who knows me will tell you that I am very rarely quiet, unless I am eating, yet last night I could barely string two words together. I arrived home last night so full of energy, so full of fire and determination to do what I needed to. Yet when it came down to it I sat shaking unable to say a word.

I tried looking in the Bible for verses to bolster my courage hoping that it would inspire me to go do what I need to do. While the verses I found did not instantly swell my chest and send me marching to do my set task they have helped build me up a little and I'm hoping they will resonate within me growing my courage until I can stand in front of the world (and my Dad) and announce the plans I intend to follow. The verses were;

Deuteronomy 31:6
    "Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you."

Joshua 1:9
    Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take."

Daniel 10:19
    He said, 'Don't be afraid, friend. Peace. Everything is going to be all right. Take courage. Be strong.'
    "Even as he spoke, courage surged up within me. I said, 'Go ahead, let my master speak. You've given me courage

The step I need to take will begin a new life for me, it will take me down a route I have for years tried to avoid. I know that it is what I will do, of that I have no doubt, but when seems to be the issue. I know that this step will put me further into the Fathers hands and that the enemy will not like that, and that the enemy will do everything he can to prevent this from happening. I need the Lords help, and if you are willing, your prayerful support. It is fear that is holding me back, not fear of the future or fear of the plan. But fear of disappointing my Dad, the man who has supported me for my whole life both financially and emotionally. Everyone I have spoken to has told me that my Dad will be happy and supportive of the plan, yet fear still grips me.

At the end of this blog I feel so much better than I did when I began writing. Seeing it all on my screen written down in front of me brings me comfort as I know that at least some of the people reading this will have been through similar trials and know how I feel. I know that there are prayers being said for me about this issue and that fills me with a sense of loving support. I know this will be resolved in the right way, and soon, but getting there has been and is a trial like non I have been through before. I am going to leave you with one of my favourite verses written by Paul, it's humble simplicity is something we should all aim for.

Ephesians 6:19
    And don't forget to pray for me. Pray that I'll know what to say and have the courage to say it at the right time

Please pray for me, that I may have the courage to do what the Lord asks of me, that I may be everything He wants me to be. I pray that I find the strength and courage soon to follow God wherever He leads, whenever He calls.